Online Dating Terms

 

Ghosting is a colloquial term used to describe the practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend, or similar individual without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communication made by said partner, friend, or individual. The term originated in the early 2000s. In the following decade, media reported a rise in ghosting, which has been attributed to the increasing use of social media and online dating apps.

Origin of term

The term is used in the context of online exchanges, and became popular by 2015 through numerous articles on high-profile celebrity relationship dissolutions, and went on to be widely used. It has been the subject of numerous articles and discussions on dating and relationships in various media. It was included in the Collins English Dictionary in 2015.

In popular culture

Ghosting appears to be becoming more common. Various explanations have been suggested, but social media is often blamed, as are dating apps and the relative anonymity and isolation in modern-day dating and hookup culture, which make it easier to sever contact with few social repercussions. In addition, the more commonplace the behavior becomes, the more individuals can become desensitised to it. Others have suggested that it is due to the decline of empathy in society, along with the promotion of a more selfish, narcissistic culture.

Ghosting is not limited to only intimate relationship contexts. It can also happen between friends or even family members, and be practiced by employers with prospective candidates.

In personal relationships

Ghosting may be especially hurtful to those on the receiving end, causing feelings of ostracism and rejection. Some mental health professionals consider ghosting to be a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse, a type of silent treatment or stonewalling behavior, and emotional cruelty.

In his article, "In Defense of Ghosting", Alexander Abad-Santos states: "the thing that undermines these diatribes against ghosting is that...[we] know what happened with their ghost. It just didn't work out and sometimes we just can't accept it." He continues: "[a]t the heart of it, ghosting is as clear as any other form of rejection. The reason we complain about it is because we wanted a different outcome ... which is totally understandable."

However, this argument does not account for the inherent ambiguity in ghosting—the person being ghosted does not know whether they are being rejected for something they or somebody else did, whether the person doing it is ashamed or does not know how to break up (or is scared of hurting the other's feelings). Also the ghost may simply not want to date the victim anymore, or may have started dating someone else while keeping the ghostee as a reserve option in case a relationship does not work out with that other date, as well as they can be facing serious problems in their lives. It may become impossible to tell which it is, making it stressful and painful.

Related terms and behaviors

While "ghosting" refers to "disappearing from a special someone's life mysteriously and without explanation", numerous similar behaviors have been identified, that include various degrees of continued connection with a target. For example, "Caspering" is a "friendly alternative to ghosting. Instead of ignoring someone, you're honest about how you feel, and let them down gently before disappearing from their lives." A possible response to ghosting has been suggested with "ghostbusting": forcing the "ghoster" to reply. Then there is the sentimental and positive, but also ghost-related in origin, Marleying, which is "when an ex gets in touch with you at Christmas out of nowhere". "Cloaking" is another related behavior that occurs when an online match blocks you on all apps while standing you up for a date. The term was coined by Mashable journalist Rachel Thompson after she was stood up for a date by a Hinge match and blocked on all apps.

Research

In 2014, a YouGov survey was taken to see if Americans have ever ghosted their partner to end a relationship. In a 2014 survey, 1,000 US adults were interviewed about ghosting with results yielding that just over 10% of Americans have ghosted someone to break up with them.

Breadcrumbing is the activity of sending brief and sporadic messages, digital morsels such as short text messages, Facebook posts or Instagram likes, which indicate that you still like someone, when in reality you're unlikely to meet up with them ever again, let alone pursue a full-blown relationship with them. The issue for the perpetrator, aka the breadcrumber, is that they can't quite bring themselves to cut off contact with the other person completely, or resist hedging their bets with them by throwing out wee 'crumbs' of interest to remind the recipient of their existence and keep their hopes up. Classic examples of breadcrumbing include vaguely alluding to future events – 'We'll do that some time …' – and never following through with a concrete plan, or ignoring someone's messages for a long period of time and then suddenly popping up out-of-the-blue without any acknowledgement of absence. Though primarily associated with romantic relationships, breadcrumbing is sometimes associated with friendship too – like those false promises to meet up made by people who can't quite bear to drop out of another person's radar.

There's no doubt that the internet has expanded the set of options for those of us in search of romance, and with it, especially in the past twelve months, the glossary of terms to describe rejection. Other expressions that have recently hit the spotlight include ghosting, where someone capitalizes on the capacity for virtual anonymity and ends a relationship by simply 'disappearing', benching where, whilst actively looking for something better, someone maintains contact with a person so that they have 'a reserve' if needed (inspired by substitute players in sports being placed 'on the bench' during matches), and cushioning, where someone already in a relationship keeps in touch with other romantic prospects, just in case, so that they are there as 'cushions' to fall back on should their relationship go wrong.

Background – breadcrumbing

The use of breadcrumbing in the context of online dating hit the popular consciousness in the past year or so, but is in fact not the first metaphorical interpretation of the word in the digital era. In the late nineties, breadcrumbing began to be used as a way of referring to the now familiar representation sometimes displayed when navigating a website, which shows the path of web pages a person has visited. Both earlier and later uses are based on the idea of 'leaving a trail', taking inspiration from the classic fairytale of Hansel and Gretel, who left a trail of breadcrumbs to help them find their way out of the forest.

Bae

To call someone "bae" is to refer to them as your significant other. But bae can be used in other forms, often to say you like something. For example, to say "I love cats," say "cats are bae." Most likely bae is the shortened form of babe or baby, Dictionary.com says.

But really, it can be used for anything, and the Internet has run wild with bae; like the bae says come over memes, Salt Bae or Woke Bae.

Breadcrumbing

Sending flirty texts to keep someone around or string them along with little to no intention to seriously date them. It's like ghosting but with some extra stab wounds.

Bot

A "robot" or fictitious account made to look like a real person on a dating app. Easily identifiable by their way-too-perfect photos.

Catfishing

When an online profile assumes a false identity, and the user misrepresents himself or herself to other users. Sometimes catfishing is done as part of a con or a larger purpose. Generally, these users will only communicate online, never in person, in order to maintain the facade.

Cuffing season

Think "handcuffs." It's a loosely defined period of the year of mostly colder-weather months, during which users, who would otherwise want to be single, seek out a mate to snuggle and settle down with until the weather warms up.

Deep like

When you scroll through your crush's (or potential date's) social media profiles and like very, very old photos, either intentionally or accidentally. A deep like risks letting someone know that you're not only interested in them but that you also spent time researching them.

DTR

An acronym for "define the relationship," a reference to that important talk when two people decide how to label what's going on between them.

Ghosting

When someone you've been dating abruptly cuts off communication without explanation, thus turning into a ghost. You may text them but they will never text you back. Hello?

Hatfishing

A specific form of catfishing in which a user, in an effort to hide their hair — or lack thereof — wears a hat in every picture on their online profile.

IRL

An acronym for "in real life." Often used in chats with matches on dating apps to signal you would like to hang out. For example, "I like your hat photo. Let's meet up IRL."

Meetcute

The unexpected, funny, adorable or otherwise charming backstory of how a couple met for the first time.

Swipe right

This phrase is associated with an action on many dating apps. To swipe right means to indicate interest or attraction in a person. On some dating apps, users are shown a photo and given two basic options; swipe right to like a user, swipe left to move on. While not all dating apps use the swipe function, most have a similar function allowing users to immediately say yes or no to a potential match.

Sliding into DMs

Sliding into DMs has become a subtle way to flirt online. DM is the abbreviation for direct message — a way to privately reach someone you follow on social media. The phrase can be modified to match its use: Sliding into his DMs, into her DMs or sliding into the DMs.

And then there's "sliding into DMs like" which is the meme form of the term.

Submarining

Submarining, a newly named trend, begins when someone with whom you have romantic involvement, ghosts — or disappears from your life without notice — only to resurface, with no apology and acts as if no time had passed.