CHAPTER 1
Complete the following: "There
would be fewer divorces if only people..."
CHAPTER 2
Warning: Understanding the five love
languages and learning to speak the primary love languages of your spouse may
radically affect his or her behavior.
People behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full.
Has there ever been a time when you did something because you "meant
well" -- that is, out of loving motives?
How did it turn out?
CHAPTER 3
Look back on that point in your marriage when "reality" set in
and the initial romantic feelings faded.
How did this affect your relationship, for better or worse?
CHAPTER 4
Share instances with your spouse when words had a profound impact on your
life--positively or negatively.
IF YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE IS WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:
1.
To remind yourself that "Words of Affirmation" is your spouse's
primary love language, print the following on a 3x5 card and put it on a mirror
or other place where you will see it daily:
·
Words are important!
2.
For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you
give your spouse each day.
·
On Monday, I said:
·
"You did a great job on this meal."
·
"You really look nice in that outfit."
·
"I appreciate your picking up the dry cleaning."
·
On Tuesday, I said.
·
Etc.
·
You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking words of
affirmation.
3.
Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for one
month. If "an apple a day keeps the
doctor away," maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. (You may want to record these compliments
also, so you will not duplicate te statements.)
4.
As you watch TV, read, or listen to people's conversations, look for words
of affirmation that people use. Write
those affirming statements in a notebook or keep them electronically. Read through these periodically and select
those you could use with your spouse.
When you use one, note the date on which you used it. Your notebook may become your love book. Remember, words are important!
5.
Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse,
and give it quietly or with fanfare! You
may someday find your love letter tucked away in some special place. Words are important!
6.
Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents
will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
7.
Look for your spouse's strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those
strengths. Chances are she will work
hard to live up to her reputation.
8.
Tell your children how great their mother or father is. Do this behind your spouse's back and in her
presence.
CHAPTER 5
Practical Tips for Listening Well
1.
Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. This keeps your mind from wandering and
communicates that he/she has your full attention.
2.
Don't listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time. Remember, quality time is giving someone your
undivided attention. If you are doing
something you cannot turn from immediately, tell your spouse the truth. A positive approach might be, "I know
you are trying to talk to me and I'm interested, but I want to give you my full
attention. I can't do that right now,
but if you will give ten minutes to finish this, I'll sit down and listen to
you." Most spouses will respect
such a request.
3.
Listen for feelings. Ask yourself,
"What emotion is my spouse experiencing?" When you think you have the answer, confirm
it. For example, "It sounds to me
like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot _____________________." That gives him the chance to clarify his
feelings. It also communicates that you
are listening intently to what he is saying.
4.
Observe body language. Clenched
fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you
clues as to what the other is feeling.
Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak
another. Ask for clarification to make
sure you know what she is really thinking and feeling.
5.
Refuse to interrupt. Recent research
has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds
before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas. If I give you my undivided attention while
you are talking, I will refrain from defending myself or hurling accusations at
you or dogmatically stating my position.
My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings. My objective is not to defend myself or to
set you straight. It is to understand
you.
EVENT
FEELINGS
What in your marriage detracts from spending quality time?
IF YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE IS QUALITY TIME:
1.
Take a walk together through the old neighborhood where one of you grew
up. Ask questions about your spouse's
childhood. Ask, "What are the fun
memories of your childhood?" Then,
"What was most painful about your childhood?"
2.
Go to the city park and rent bicycles.
Ride until you are tired, then sit and watch the ducks. When you
get tired of the quacks, roll on to the rose garden. Learn each other's favorite color of rose and
why.
3.
Ask your spouse for a list of five activities that he would enjoy doing
with you. Make plans to do one of them
each month for the next the five months.
If money is a problem, space the freebies between the "we can't
afford this" events.
4.
Ask your spouse where she most enjoys sitting when talking you. The next week, text her one afternoon and
say, "I want to make a date with you one evening this week to sit on the
porch and talk. Which might and what
time would be best for you?"
5.
Think of an activity your spouse enjoys, but which brings little pleasure
to you: NASCAR, browsing in flea
markets, working out. Tell your spouse
that you are trying to broaden your horizons and would like to join him in this
activity sometime this month. Set a date
and give it your best effort.
6.
Plan a weekend getaway just for the two of you sometime within the next
months. Be sure it is a weekend when you
won't have to call the office or have a commitment with your kids. Focus on relaxing together doing what one or
both of you enjoy.
7.
Make time every day to share with each other some of the events of the
day. When you spend more time on
Facebook than you do listening to each other, you can end up more concerned
about your hundred "friends" than about your spouse.
8.
Have a "Let's review our history" evening once every three
months. Set aside an hour focus on your
history. Select five questions each of
you will answer, such as:
a.
Who was your best and worst teacher in school and why?
1.
When did you feel your parents were proud of you?
a.
What is the worst mistake your mother ever made?
b.
What is the worst mistake your father ever made?
c.
What do you remember about the religious aspect of your childhhood?
d.
Each evening, agree on your five questions before you begin your
sharing. At the end of the five
questions, stop and decide on the five questions you will ask next time.
1.
Camp out in the living room. Spread
your blankets and pillows on the floor.
Get your Pepsi and popcorn.
Pretend the TV is broken and talk like you used to when you were
dating. Talk till the sun comes up or
something else happens. If the floor
gets too hard, go back upstairs and go to bed.
You won't forget this evening!
CHAPTER 6
Reflect on ways to give gifts to one another even if finances are tight.
IF YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE IS RECEIVING GIFTS:
1.
Try a parade of gifts. Leave a box
of candy for your spouse in the morning;
have flowers delivered in the afternoon; give him a gift in the evening. When your spouse asks, "What is going
on?" you respond, "just trying to fill your love tank!"
2.
Let nature be your guide. The next
time you take a walk through the neighborhood, keep your eyes open for a gift
for your spouse. It may be a stone, a
stick, or a feather. You may even attach
special meaning to your natural gift.
For example, a smooth stone may symbolize your marriage with many of the
rough places now polished. A feather may
symbolize how your spouse is the "wind beneath your wings."
3. Discover the value of "handmade originals." Make a gift for your spouse. This may require you to enroll in a class: ceramics, silversmithing, painting, wood
carving, etc. Your main purpose for
enrolling is to make your spouse a gift.
A handmade gift often becomes a family heirloom.
4.
Give your spouse a gift every day for one week. It need not be a special week, just any
week. I promise you it will become
"The Week That Was!" If you
are really energetic, you can make it "The Month That Was!" No--your spouse will not hear your spouse
will not expect you to keep this up for a lifetime.
5.
Keep a "Gift Idea Notebook."
Every time you hear your spouse say, "I really like that,"
write it down in your notebook. Listen
carefully and you will get quite a list.
This will serve as a guide when you get ready to select a gift. To prime the pump, you could look a favorite
online shopping site together.
6.
Enlist a "personal shopper."
If you really don't have a clue as to how to select a gift for your
spouse, ask a friend or family member who knows your wife or husband well to
help you. Most people enjoy making a
friend happy by getting them a gift, especially if it is with your money.
7.
Offer the gift of presence. Say to
your spouse, "I want to offer the gift of my presence at any event or on
any occasion you would like this month.
You tell me when, and I will make every effort to be there." Get ready!
Be positive! Who knows, you may
enjoy the symphony or the hockey game.
8.
Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself. Then offer to discuss together a chapter each
week. Don't choose a book that you want
him or her to read. Choose a book on a
topic in which you know your spouse has an interest; sex, football, needlework,
money management, child rearing, religion, backpacking.
9.
Give a lasting tribute. Give a gift
to your spouse's church or favorite charity in honor of her birthday, your
anniversary, or another occasion. Ask
the charity to send a card informing your spouse of what you have done. The church or charity will be excited and so
will your spouse.
10.
Give a living gift. Purchase and
plant a tree or flowering shrub in honor of your spouse. You may plant it in your own yard, where you
can water and nurture it, or with permission in a public park or forest where
others can also enjoy it. You will get
credit for this one year after year.
CHAPTER 7
Many acts of service will involve household chores, but not all. What are some non-chore ways of serving your
mate?
IF YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE IS ACTS OF SERVICE:
1.
Make a list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past
weeks. Select one of these each week and
do it as an expression of love.
2.
Print note-cards with following:
·
"Today I will sow my love for you by..." Complete the sentence with one of the
following: picking up the clutter,
paying the bills, fixing something that's been broken a long time, weeding the
garden. (Bonus points if it's a chore
that's been put off.)
·
Give your spouse a love note accompanied by the act of service every three
days for a month.
3.
Ask your spouse to make a list of ten things he or she would like for you
to do during the next month. Then ask
your spouse to priortize those by numbering them 1 - 10, with 1 being the most
important and 10 being the least important.
Use this list to plan your strategy for a month of love. (Get ready to live with a happy spouse.)
4.
While your spouse is away, get the children to help you with some act of
service for him. When he walks in the
door, join the children in shouting "Surprise! We love you!" Then share your act of service.
5.
What one act of service has your your spouse nagged about
consistently? Why not decide to see the
nag as a tag Your spouse is tagging this
as really important to him or her. If
you choose to do it as an expression of love, it is worth more than a thousand
roses.
6.
If your requests to your mate come across as nags or putdowns, try writing
them in words that would less offensive to them. Share this revised wording with your
spouse. For example, "The yard
always looks so nice, and i really appreciate your work. I'd love to thank you in advance for mowing
the lawn this week before Julie and Ben come over for dinner." Your husband might even respond: "Where's the lawn mower, I can't
wait!" Try it and see.
7.
Perform a major act of service like
organizing the home office, and then post a sign that reads, "To (spouse's
name) with love," and sign your
name.
8.
If you have more moeny than time, hire someone to do the acts of service
that you know your spouse would like for you to do, such as the yard work or a
once-a-month deep cleaning of your home.
9.
Ask your spouse to tell you the daily acts of service that would really speak
love to him or her. Seek to work these
into your daily schedule. "Little
things" really do mean a lot.
CHAPTER 8
Recall some non-sexual "touching times" that enhanced intimacy
between the two of you. What made these
times special?
IF YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE IS PHYSICAL TOUCH:
1.
As you walk from the car to go shopping, reach out and hold your spouse's
hand.
2.
While eating together, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your
spouse.
3.
Walk up to your spouse and say, "Have I told you lately that I love
you?" Take her in your arms and hug
her while you rub her back and continue.
"You are the greatest!"
(Resist the temptation to rush to the bedroom.) Untangle yourself and move on to the next
thing.
4.
While your spouse is seated, walk up behind her and give her a shoulder
massage.
5.
When you sit together in church, when the minister calls for prayer, reach
over and hold your spouse's hand.
6.
Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage. Continue to other parts of the body as long
as it brings pleasure to your spouse.
7.
When family or friends are visiting, touch your spouse in their
presence. Putting your arm around him as
you stand talking, or simply placing your hand on her shoulder says, "Even
with all these people in our house, I still see you."
8.
When your spouse arrives at home, meet him or her one step earlier than
usual and give your mate a big welcome home.
The point is to vary the routine and enhance even a small "touching
experience."
CHAPTER 10
Three ways to discover your primary love language:
1.
What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is
probably your love language.
2.
What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is
likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3.
In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication
that, that would also make you feel loved.
Do you think by now you have a good sense of what your spouse's love
language is? How about them for
you? What more could you do to explore
this?
If your love tank is completely empty or very full, whether you know your
love language or not, play the Tank Check game over the next month. Ask for a reading from 0 to 10 three evenings
a week, and then take the suggestions of your spouse to raise that number for
him/her. If your spouse is at a 10 consistently,
you can pat yourself on the back--but don't stop loving.
CHAPTER 11
A key thought here is the idea of speaking our mate's love language whether
or not is natural for us. Why do you
think this is so fundamental to a healthy marriage?
CHAPTER 12
What does your spouse do to make you feel more
"significant"? How about what
you do for them?
CHAPTER 13
If your marriage is in the serious trouble discussed in this chapter, you
need to begin by making a strong commitment of the will to undertake the
following experiment. You risk further
pain and rejection, but you also stand to regain a healthy and fulfilling
marriage. Count the cost; it's worth the
attempt.
1.
Ask how you can be a better spouse, and regardless of the other's attitude,
act on what he or she tells you.
Continue to both seek more input and comply with those wishes with all
your heart and will. Assure your spouse
that your motives are pure.
2.
When you receive positive feedback you know there is progress. Each month make one non-threatening but
specific request that is easy for your spouse.
Make sure it relates to your primary love language and will help
replenish your empty tank.
3.
When your spouse responds and meets your
need, you will be able to react with not only your will but your
emotions as well. Without over-reacting,
continue positive feedback and affirmation of your spouse at these times.
4.
As your marriage begins to truly heal and grow deeper, make sure you don't
"rest on your laurels" and forget your spouse's love language and
daily needs. You're on the road to your
dreams, so stay there? Put appointments
into your schedule to assess together how you're doing.
CHAPTER 14
For a free online discussion guide, please visit:
This group discussion is designed to both help couples apply the concepts
from The Five Love
Languages and stimulate genuine dialogue among study groups.
THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES PROFILE FOR HUSBANDS:
1.
My wife's love notes make me feel good.
2.
I love my wife's hugs.
1.
I like to be alone with my wife.
2.
I feel loved when my wife helps me
do my work.
1.
Receiving special gifts from my wife makes me happy.
2.
I enjoy long trips with my wife.
1.
I feel loved when my wife does the laundry.
2.
I like it when my wife touches me.
1.
I feel loved when my wife puts her arm around me.
2.
I know my wife loves me because she surprises me with gifts.
1.
I like going most anywhere with my wife.
2.
I like to hold my wife's hand.
1.
I value the gifts my wife gives to me.
2.
I love to hear my wife say she loves
me.
1.
I like for my wife to sit close to me.
2.
My wife tells me I look good, and I like that.
1.
Spending time with my wife makes me happy.
2.
Even the smallest gift from my wife is important to me.
1.
I feel loved when my wife tells me she is proud of me.
2.
When my wife cooks a meal for me, I know that she loves me.
1.
No matter what we do, I love doing things with my wife.
2.
Supportive comments from my wife make me feel good.
1.
Little things my wife does for me mean more to me than things she
says.
2.
I love to hug my wife.
1.
My wife's praise means a lot to me.
2.
It means a lot to me that my wife gives me gifts I really like.
1.
Just being around my wife makes me feel good.
2.
I l ove it when my wife rubs my back.
1.
My wife's reactions to my accomplishments are so encouraging.
2.
It means a lot to me when my wife helps with something I know she
hates.
1.
I never get tired of my wife's kisses.
2.
I love that my wife shows real interest in things I like to do.
1.
I can count on my wife to help me with projects.
2.
I still get excited when opening a gift from my wife.
1.
I love for my wife to compliment my appearance.
2.
I love that my wife listens to my ideas and doesn't rush to judge or criticize.
1.
I can't help but touch my wife when she's close by.
2.
My wife sometimes runs errands for me, and I appreciate that.
1.
My wife deserves an award for all the things she does for me.
2.
I'm sometimes amazed at how thoughtful my wife's gifts to me are.
1.
I love having my wife's undivided attention.
2.
Keeping the house clean is an important at of service.
1.
I look forward to seeing what my wife gives me for my birthday.
2.
I never get tired of hearing my wife tell me that I am important to
her.
1.
My wife lets me know she loves me by giving me gifts.
2.
My wife shows her love by helping me catch up on projects around the
house.
1.
My wife doesn't interrupt me when I am talking, and I like that.
2.
I never get tired of receiving gifts from my wife.
1.
My wife can tell when I'm tired, and she's good about asking how she can
help.
2.
It doesn't matter where we go, I like going places with my wife.
1.
I love having sex with my wife.
2.
I love surprise gifts from my wife.
1.
I couldn't ask for any better gifts than the ones my wife gives me.
2.
I just can't keep my hands off my wife.
1.
It means a lot to me when my wife helps me despite having other things to
do.
2.
It makes me feel really good when my wife tells me she appreciates me.
1.
I love hugging and kissing my wife after we've been apart for a while.
2.
I love hearing my wife tell me that she believes in me.
A: _________ B: _________ C: __________ D: __________ E: ____________
A = Words of Affirmation, B = Qualtiy Time, C = Receiving Gifts, D = Acts
of Service, E = Physical Touch
Interpreting Your Score:
Primary Love Language = highest score
Bilingual = two primary love languages are equal for two love languages
Secondary love language = next highest score close but not equal to primary
love language; means both important to you
THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES PROFILE FOR WIVES
1.
Sweet notes from my husband make me feel good.
2.
I love my husband's hugs.
1.
I like to be alone with my husband.
2.
I feel loved when my husband washes my car.
1.
Receiving special gifts from my husband makes me happy.
2.
I enjoy long trips with my husband.
1.
I feel loved when my husband helps me witht he laundry.
2.
I like it when my husband touches me.
1.
I feel loved when my husband puts his arm around me.
2.
I know my husband loves me because he surprises me with gifts.
1.
I like going most anywhere with my husband.
2.
I like to hold my husband's hand.
1.
I value the gifts my husband gives to me.
2.
I love to hear my husband to say he loves me.
1.
I like for my husband to sit close to me.
2.
My husband tells me I look good, and I like that.
1.
Spending time with my husband makes me happy.
2.
Even the smallest gift from my husband is important to me.
1.
I feel loved when my husband tells me he is proud of me.
2.
When my husband helps clean up after a meal, I know that he loves me.
1.
No matter what we do, I love doing things with my husband.
2.
Supportive comments from my husband make me feel good.
1.
Little things my husband does for me mean more to me than things he
says.
2.
I love to hug my husband.
1.
My husband's praise means a lot to me.
2.
It means a lot to me that my husband gives me gifts I really like.
1.
Just being around my husband makes me feel good.
2.
I love it when my husband gives me a massage.
1.
My husband's reactions to my accompolishments are so encouraging.
2.
It means a lot to me when my husband helps with something i know he
hates.
1.
I never get tired of my husband's kisses.
2.
I love that my husband shows real interest in things I like to do.
1.
I can count on my husband to help me with projects.
2.
I still get excited when opening a gift from my husband.
1.
I love for my husband to compliment my appearance.
2.
I love that my husband listens to me and respects my ideas.
1.
I can't help but touch my husband when he's close by.
2.
My husband sometimes runs errands for me, and i appreciate that.
1.
My husband deserves an award for all the things he does for me.
2.
I'm sometimes amazed at how thoughtful my husband's gifts to me are.
1.
I love having my husband's undivided attention.
2.
I love that my husband helps clean the house.
1.
I look forward to seeing what my husband gives me for my birthday.
2.
I never get tired of hearing my husband tell me that I am important to
him.
1.
My husband lets me know he loves me by giving me gifts.
2.
My husband shows his love by helping me without me having to ask.
1.
My husband doesn't interrupt me when I am talking, and I like that.
2.
I never get tired of receiving gifts from my husband.
1.
My husband is good about asking how he can help when I'm tired.
2.
It doesn't matter where we go, I just like going places with my
husband.
1.
I love cuddling with my husband.
2.
I love surprise gifts from my husband.
1.
My husband's encouraging words give me confidence.
2.
I love to watch movies with my husband.
1.
I couldn't ask for any better gifts than the ones my husband gives me.
2.
I love it that my husband can't keep his hands off me.
1.
It means a lot to me when my husband helps me despite being busy.
2.
It makes me feel really good when my husband tells me he appreciates
me.
1.
I love hugging and kissing my husband after we've been apart for a
while.
2.
I love hearing my husband tell me that he missed me.
A: ____________ B: _____________ C: ______________ D: _____________ E:
_____________
A = Words of Affirmation, B = Quality Time, C = Receiving Gifts, D = Acts
of Service, E = Physical Touch
Primary love language = highest score
Bilingual = two primary love languages equals point totals
Secondary love language = second highest score; not equal but still
important to you
Highest possible score for any one love language = 12
Other resources for your interest:
·
The 5 Love Languages - Gift Edition:
perfect for engagement, bridal shower, wedding, anniversary for any couple
who wants to have a lasting marriage.
·
The 5 Love Languages - Men's Edition:
special edition just for men.
·
The Five Love Languages - Video Curriculum:
flexible 5- to 7-session marriage enrichment experience for use in small
groups. A fun-filled experience to learn
to apply these principles to couple's everyday life. Kit contains:
a.
DVDs of Dr. Chapman's messages
b.
CD-ROM containing viewer guide PDFs
c.
Member book
d.
Leader helps
e.
The love language profile assessment tool
f. The Five Love Languages Book
·
The Five Love Languages of Children:
learn how to find the primary love language of your children allow them to
feel loved so they can strengthen future relationships, whether it's love
school, work, or friendships.
·
The Five Love Languages of Teenagers:
learn your teenager's primary love language to help them cultivate the
ability to control or express their feelings at a crucial time in their lives.
·
The Five Love Languages - Singles Edition:
a special edition for single people, Dr. Chapman explores the unique needs
of single people to help them apply the five love languages to thier
lives--work, relationships, and more.
·
God Speaks Your Love Language: learn how to find your
spiritual love language to connect with God, from discovering your primary love
language to strengthen the "dialects" that can deepen your spiritual
journey and strengthen your love for God.
·
The Marriage You've Always Wanted: practical tips for
faith-based wisdom on such issues like communications, expectations, and money
management.
·
The Marriage You've Always Wanted Bible Study: allows couples and small groups to discuss such faith-based topics for
marriage like money, anger, forgiveness, and spirituality.
·
The Family You've Always Wanted: Dr. Chapman gives couples
the chance to see what a loving, stable family looks like, as well as some
practical tips for how to make it happen.
·
Anger: how to use your anger to show love toward your
spouse.
·
Desperate Marriages: for couples living in a
flawed marriage -- Dr. Chapman gives practical tips on how to take positive
steps to change your marriage.
·
The Five Languages of Apology: explores the different ways
of expressing the language of apology, with Dr. Gary Chapman and counselor,
Jennifer Thomas.
·
Hope for the Separated: hope for those who are
separated or divorced and looking for a way to make thier marriage work or make
the decision to end it.
Check out Dr. Gary Chapman's seminar for couple's who want a lasting
marriage. Topics include:
·
Communication 101
·
Understanding and Expressing Love
·
Initiating Positive Change
·
Making Sex a Mutual Joy
·
How to Share the Things that Bug You
See www.fivelovelanguages.com
for conference schedule visit.
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